And so the United States slips further into
chaos.
I look out the window and see leaves fly, hear them scrape across macadam all night long. They sound like footsteps. Ominous.
The fire-smoke has cleared. Right now, the wind
is kicking up. It rakes across the window screens, pulls incoherent words from the
thin metal.
Just this week, I heard someone use the word “equanimity.”
I wondered if I’ve ever heard anyone use that word out loud in my life?
So, what is equanimity and how does it relate
to chaos?
One definition of equanimity online said
this: “Mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a
difficult situation.”
Okay, a way of maintaining
balance in the center of a storm?
I also heard another way
of expressing equanimity this week that seemed more helpful
to me:
Imagine that you are a
mountain.
Imagine you are a mountain, solid, experiencing the seasonal changes
around you.
You are experiencing all the changes around you and yet you remain
a mountain.
You are experiencing all
these changes, with a sense of continuity.
So, I spent the week
feeling the chaos.
Personal chaos, social chaos, national chaos, world chaos.
I tried to lean into all the emotions. The ones
I liked, the ones I didn't.
And there were some
moments (brief seconds, mind you) where I suddenly could hold all of it at the same time – without
choosing one thing over the other.
I wrote the poem below a
couple years ago.
My surreal take on
equanimity.
*****************
Balance, A Definition
1. What I Found:
In a dry wash at twilight, on cold sand,
a cairn, three feet high, intricately balanced.
Close to the cairn's foundation, a deer's
hoof-print, sunk deep. Just one, no others.
2. A Few Questions:
Why did those awkward and precarious angles of stone
re-open an
old dream of floating (floating trees,
half-moon and stars below roots; floating stones,
imitating hawks…)?
How did a deer pass so close to the cairn
without knocking it down?
Who first said float
but really meant sink?
3. Some Answers:
The deer appeared from the space between the stones.
The cairn appeared when the deer floated by
and
touched down one hoof, testing reality.
And the sky, the sky, with its thousand
interlocking blue staircases, built from
nothing
but air and the
breath of the dead, appeared
out of the dark atrial chamber of the
deer's heart…
(previously published in The Bitter Oleander)